Cherry Picking the Family Tree

[Fade in to a genetically ambiguous gentleman with a vacant stare holding a multi colored cube]

“Friends, are you racially confused, looking to alleviate your white privilege guilt or confirm your repressed xenophobia? Go to FindMyTribe.com and order the most accurate and complete genetic ancestry home test kit on the market.”

[Cut to a clear tongue depressor with an ice cream scoop at one end]

“Just a quick swab of any orifice with our patented sampler and return in the sterile envelope. Within 5-7 business days receive a scientific looking report with pie charts and a notarized certificate of authenticity. But wait, you also get online access to our comprehensive terrestrial genome database and for a nominal membership fee your chromosomal sequence will be compared to our proprietary intergalactic samples. Listen to these sincerely produced testimonials…”

[Cut to a silly man in child’s clothes]

“Thanks to FindMyTribe I had to exchange my lederhosen for a kilt when I learned I am Scottish instead of German.”

[Cut to a white supremacist in drag]

“Because of My Tribe I resigned as Grandmaster of the KKK and turned in my hood and cape for the headdress and ceremonial dancing skirt of a Zulu princess.”

[Cut to a stiff in a business suit]

“I found out I am 4.8% Neanderthal so [Cut] I quit my corporate job and now wear animal skins and carry a club.”

[Cut to an androgynous being wearing a Ziggy Stardust costume]

“My mom was abducted and impregnated by an alien from Sirius. Daddy, I’m building a ship to come home to you on Dog Star. Howhooooooo!”

[Cut to website logo with mechanical voice over]

“Supplies are artificially limited so drop the remote and call this number now!”

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