Archive for the Enigmatic Corporatic Category

Flowers for Memogen

Posted in Enigmatic Corporatic with tags , , on June 7, 2018 by A lo Hawk

Memogenetics Memorandum: Transcribed audio field notes from volunteer consumer subject R.A.G.

Product Introduction: [Subject mimics broadcast television commercial advertisement in an unmodulated voice]

“Are you having trouble remembering what you just heard? Are you having trouble remembering what you just heard? Introducing Memogen, a new memory enhancement drug made from a poisonous substance found in pufferfish.”

Side effects may include long term memory loss, drastic I.Q. swings, psychedelic dreams, early onset Alzheimers, intermittent panaphobia, possible phobophobia and you may even lose weight.

“Memogen, the name to memorize.”

Initial Assessment:

“My cognitive improvements were noticeable immediately. I remembered names, phone numbers, security identification numbers, everything I’ve eaten, my first grade teacher’s name (Matilda); every masturbation, bowel movement and hangover I ever had!”

“Later, I increased the dosage until each sensation triggered a flood of memories. I now spend hours in ecstatic reverie reliving the memories of my ancestors accessible through my DNA.”

Final Evaluation:

“Okay, I remember taking those giant pills…uh, what was I talking about?…ahhh…Who am I?”

Cherry Picking the Family Tree

Posted in Enigmatic Corporatic, Sausage Makers Society, Snark File on May 8, 2018 by A lo Hawk

[Fade in to a genetically ambiguous gentleman with a vacant stare holding a multi colored cube]

“Friends, are you racially confused, looking to alleviate your white privilege guilt or confirm your repressed xenophobia? Go to FindMyTribe.com and order the most accurate and complete genetic ancestry home test kit on the market.”

[Cut to a clear tongue depressor with an ice cream scoop at one end]

“Just a quick swab of any orifice with our patented sampler and return in the sterile envelope. Within 5-7 business days receive a scientific looking report with pie charts and a notarized certificate of authenticity. But wait, you also get online access to our comprehensive terrestrial genome database and for a nominal membership fee your chromosomal sequence will be compared to our proprietary intergalactic samples. Listen to these sincerely produced testimonials…”

[Cut to a silly man in child’s clothes]

“Thanks to FindMyTribe I had to exchange my lederhosen for a kilt when I learned I am Scottish instead of German.”

[Cut to a white supremacist in drag]

“Because of My Tribe I resigned as Grandmaster of the KKK and turned in my hood and cape for the headdress and ceremonial dancing skirt of a Zulu princess.”

[Cut to a stiff in a business suit]

“I found out I am 4.8% Neanderthal so [Cut] I quit my corporate job and now wear animal skins and carry a club.”

[Cut to an androgynous being wearing a Ziggy Stardust costume]

“My mom was abducted and impregnated by an alien from Sirius. Daddy, I’m building a ship to come home to you on Dog Star. Howhooooooo!”

[Cut to website logo with mechanical voice over]

“Supplies are artificially limited so drop the remote and call this number now!”

Spring Renewal

Posted in Enigmatic Corporatic on April 23, 2013 by A lo Hawk

STATE OF COLORADO
John W Hickenlooper, Govenor
Christopher E Urbina, MD, MPH
Executive Director and Chief Medical Officer
Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment
Dedicated to protecting and improving the health and environment of the people of Colorado

Dear Applicant:
Your renewed Medical Marijuana Registry ID card is attached. It is valid for one year. The card is designed to fold in thirds and fit in a wallet. Do not laminate, change, or write on the card, as these will void the card.

Please make sure information is accurate, etc. Report lost, stolen, damaged cards, etc. If you find it necessary to remain active with the registry, submit a new application every year no earlier than 60 days before your current card’s expiration date.

Sincerely, The Medical Marijuana Registry

Fold along perforated line multiple times before separating

My modest health care bill

Posted in Enigmatic Corporatic, My Narcissisms on April 3, 2013 by A lo Hawk

The Acceptus Group LLC
April 2, 2013 11:03 am

7g (1/4oz) Durban Poison
(actual: 7.30 GR) $64.88

2X Cheeba Chews Quad
sativa $16.68

subtotal $81.56
THC Tuesday(-10%) -$ 8.16
excl taxes $73.40

city sales tax $ 2.20
county sales tax $ 1.47
state sales tax $ 2.13

Total $79.20
Paid Cash $80.00
Change Due $ 0.80

State of CO Amendment 20: For medical use only. Keep out reach of children. Do not operate machinery or motor vehicle while medicated.

Selections from US Army Survival Manual

Posted in Enigmatic Corporatic with tags on November 10, 2009 by A lo Hawk

Lead men. Group survival tests effective leadership. Maintain leadership prestige. Use wisely. Set example. Supervise constantly. Troublemakers attract undue attention. Prevent carelessness. Fatigue. Hunger. Cold. Know yourself. Your men. Each individual’s welfare.

Primitive people especially are fond of practical jokes.

Do not wear dirty or sweaty socks. If you don’t have a clean pair, wash out those that you have on. If you have an extra pair to wear, put the washed pair inside your shirt next to your body. They will dry in a short time. If possible, wear woolen socks; they absorb perspiration.

When women are given liberty there is almost a veneral disease certainty.

flash beam of light from mirror or other shiny material : improvise mirror from ration tin or belt buckle : punch a crosshole in center of reflector : reflect sunlight from mirror to nearby surface : slowly bring to eye level : look through sighting hole

Wear as few clothes as possible.

{ white gilled mushrooms with membrane-like cups or scaly bulbs at the base }{  gilled mushrooms with white or pale milky juice }{ gilled woodland mushrooms with a smooth, flat, reddish top and white gills radiating out from the stem-like spokes }

Avoid physical contact without seeming to do so.

Dogs, cats, hedgehogs, porcupines, and badgers should be skinned and gutted before cooking. Prepare them as a stew with a quantity of edible leaves. Dog and cat livers are especially valuable.

Avoid wild buffalo because of their continued mean tempers.

tropical rain jungle \ unpleasant land to live in and travel through \ soil covered with decaying vegetation \ countless millions of leeches move \ loathsome and bothersome insects abound \ impenetrable undergrowth bars travel

Do not drink urine. It is dangerous.

My Drug Test

Posted in Enigmatic Corporatic, My Narcissisms with tags on November 3, 2009 by A lo Hawk

MedTox Laboratories, Inc

On Site Screening Custody Form

Collection Site: Community Hospital Occupational Health, GJ, CO

Donor Consent: I certify that I provided my specimen to the collector…

Date 10/28/2009          Time 14:28 __am  X pm

X Pre-employment __Random __Reasonable Suspicion __Return to Duty __Follow-up  __Post Accident  __Other

Specimen temperature within range (90-100 F/32-38 C): Yes

Test Results: Negative

Donor Comments: Drug paranoia apparently runs deep in Grand Junction. Pre-employment screenings are as common as the empty alcohol and tobacco containers littering the streets. This test was conducted for the city Parks and Recreation department and was taken 52 days p.m.i.

Heifer for the Holidays

Posted in Enigmatic Corporatic with tags on October 22, 2009 by A lo Hawk

Its that time of year when unsolicited gift catalogs begin clogging our mailbox. Today we recieved “The Most Important Gift Catalog in the World” from Heifer International.

HI is promoted as a charitable organization dedicated to livestock programs that alleviate hunger and poverty. The catalog is full of testimonials and photos of smiling kids from poor countries holding baby goats and pigs. There are also endorsements from Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, Walter Cronkite, Susan Sarandon & Jane Goodall.

When you send in your money, you purchase a gift representing an animal. In the fine print it states, “Heifer does not use its limited resources to track individual animals from donation to distribution to specific families.”

Your dear mama is used to explain how the process works (pg 2):

“You decide to donate a sheep in honor of your mother, who has always loved these gentle animals. Your mother recieves a holiday gift card from you describing the generous contribution you’ve made in her honor.”

Poor mom is used again for the soft sell of the Pig Gift (pg 8):

“The holidays are right around the corner, and it’s time for more pig-themed gifts for your mother. Something about their cute, squishy faces and their curly tails brings a smile to mom’s face.”

The following ‘gifts’ are available:

Heifer $500, Water Buffalo $250, Llama $150, Goat $120, Pig $120, Sheep $120, Rabbits $60, Honeybees $30, Chicks $20

For the more generous among us:

The Gift Ark $5,000 (2 cows, 2 sheep, 2 camels, 2 oxen, 2 water buffalo, 2 pigs, 2 beehives, 2 goats, 2 donkeys, 2 trio of ducks, 2 trio of rabbits, 2 trio of guinea pigs, 2 flocks of geese, 2 flocks of chicks, 2 llamas)

Women in Livestock Development (WiLD) $10,000

Hope for the Future Gift $25,000

Now don’t misunderstand me — I’m sure this is an honorable organization. I am just amused at the marketing technique. For example, the popular amount of $120 can represent a goat, a pig, or a sheep depending on what you want the gift card to say and who you are sending it to.

I hope this helps with your holiday shopping. $Ho$Ho$Ho

UNIFICATION THEORY

Posted in Dermagraphology, Dulcet Tomes, Enigmatic Corporatic, Hip Histrionics, Insipid Manifestos, Maudlin Missives, Mental Laxatives, Rancid Recollections, Snark File, Trail Tales, Trivial Lists, Zealous Illucidations on October 8, 2009 by A lo Hawk

CDT PTSD — Continental Divide Trail Post Traumatic Stress Diary

Dermagraphology — History of the art that is fit to ink on skin

Dulcet Tomes — The Soft Underbelly

Enigmatic Corporatic — Reworked content from THE CORPORATION at large

Hip Histrionics — Riffs on Pop Culture

Insipid Manifestos — Ode to the Lobe

Maudlin Missives & Mellow Musings

Mental Laxatives — Brain Drano

My Narcissisms — Its all about ME, MY, MINE!

Rancid Recollections — The stories of my life

Snark File — Rated H.T.O.C. (High Tolerance for Offensive Content)

Trail Tales — The Long Strange Trip

Trivial Lists — …and a 1 and a 2 and a 3…

Uncatagorized, Declassified, Substandardized

Zealous Illucidations — Supernatural Ding Dong

Rank My Brainwash

Posted in Enigmatic Corporatic with tags , on October 8, 2009 by A lo Hawk

Scholastic Aptitude Test  6/13/78

Verbal 490           % Score (Natl H.S. Sample) 84

Math 610              % Score (Natl H.S. Sample) 95

Graduate Record Examination  12/88

Verbal 530            % Rank 65

Quantitative 660  % Rank 74

Analytical 660      % Rank 84

What Am I?

Posted in Enigmatic Corporatic with tags on October 7, 2009 by A lo Hawk

My ____ is a philosophy. It stems from the primordial ooze that once ruled our world. It has now been captured in perpetual motion in my ____ wax. My ____ is the moment. Its everchanging patterns are hypnotizing yet invigorating. My ____ is an art form. A classic and at the same time progressive. My ____ is pre-historic and post-modern. My ____ is here to stay.