The Big Haul

We can’t help but to proudly report on the weekend accomplishments of the Grand Junction chapter of Dumbster Divers Anonymous. In several marathon sessions of rubbish retrieval, the divers recovered: 59 lbs of aluminum, 23 lbs of copper, X-mas ornaments, elegant silverware & plates, and a power strip.

Our salvage soldiers were rewarded with a 10-15 cent per mile travel allowance payable in copper and silver coin found en route as well as the $3-$4 per hour wage earned from metal recovery. That aint no FICA!

Tailgating at the Mesa State home game was of special interest to the areas’ can collecting crowd. Our man made a big score against a lesser scavenger opponent when he charmed his way into a group of young male lite beer swillers and made off with their impressive cache of empties. There is an advantage to being a decent looking bum with mooch experience.

We love our local drinkers of canned beverages. The eco-unconscious of our town refuse to recycle even when the trash can and recycle bin are side-by-side. What a wonderful, disposable world.

Captain Coinstar 

Senator Crushcan

Founding  members of D.D.A., GJ Chapter                                                                       

 

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I wanna be an AmericanGirl

Over the weekend I was at a friend’s house and I thumbed through a catalogue I had never seen before. To my surprise, I had stumbled upon the commercial phenomenon of the American Girl dolls.

The AG dolls come with names, backstories and period costumes. You can customize the hair, eyes and skin color and you can order matching outfits for your child.

Of course, there is a huge array of additional doll-size accessories. Many of the items are more expensive than their adult human equivalents. Here are some of my personal favorites:

Hairbrush – $7

A dozen hangers – $8

Eyeglasses – $8 (I assume the optometrist’s prescription is extra)

School Lunch Box (with pretend sandwich, chips and frosted cupcake) – $20

Wheelchair – $30 (yes, you read correctly – a wheelchair for dolls!)

TV DVD player – $40 (I wonder how long today’s tech-savvy kids would play with a pretend TV set?)

Salon Chair – $58

Fondue Set – $68

Tree House – $250

Doll Storage Cabinet – $349 + $20 shipping (I’ll take a half dozen, please)

God bless capitalism, ‘free’ markets and the economic engine of blatant indulgent consumerism!

UNIFICATION THEORY

CDT PTSD — Continental Divide Trail Post Traumatic Stress Diary

Dermagraphology — History of the art that is fit to ink on skin

Dulcet Tomes — The Soft Underbelly

Enigmatic Corporatic — Reworked content from THE CORPORATION at large

Hip Histrionics — Riffs on Pop Culture

Insipid Manifestos — Ode to the Lobe

Maudlin Missives & Mellow Musings

Mental Laxatives — Brain Drano

My Narcissisms — Its all about ME, MY, MINE!

Rancid Recollections — The stories of my life

Snark File — Rated H.T.O.C. (High Tolerance for Offensive Content)

Trail Tales — The Long Strange Trip

Trivial Lists — …and a 1 and a 2 and a 3…

Uncatagorized, Declassified, Substandardized

Zealous Illucidations — Supernatural Ding Dong

The Reality Formula

Journal for the Edification and Examination of a Mundane Existence, Vol. I, Issue No. 1

Subject: R.A.G.

Duration in the Temporal Plane: 48.73 years (17,800 days)

Theorem: The value of subjective reality correlates inversely with the aggregate of behavioral manifestations.

Coefficient of Error: +/- 0.3 %

Appendix A: Determination of Proportional Multipliers

Appendix B: Abstract, Discussion & Conclusion

Calculation of Factors:

Sleep (31.6 %) = 14.7 years (5,625 days)

Television Gazing (16.7 %) = 8.2 years (2,973 days)

 Movement through 3D Space (9.1 %) = 4.43 years (1,620 days)

Conspicuous Consumption (8.8 %) = 4.28 years (1,566 days)

Inadequate Hygiene (7.0 %) = 3.41 years (1,246 days)

Deliberate Mind Alteration (5.1 %) = 2.48 years (908 days)

Periodic Sex {solo & w/partners} (4.8 %) = 2.33 years (854 days)

Awkward Social Interaction (3.4 %) = 1.65 years (605 days)

Semi Productive Work (1.4 %) = 0.68 years (249 days)

Inspired Artistic Expression (0.05 %) = 0.024 years (9 days)

Maximized Human Potential (0.01 %) = 0.005 years (1.78 days)

Spiritual Enlightenment (0.00 %) = 0.000 years (0 days)

Note: No peer reviews or challenges allowed at this time.

The World is All Right

Don’t fret my little lamb, the world is all right.

Fear, hate, lust, greed…its part of the master plan…

Talking TV bobbleheads spread videotic dementia,

War on terra to teen idolatry, all in a day’s work.

Do unto others before they do unto you-

Grand Theft Auto-matic weapons of mass manipulation

moral/neuro/chemical imbalance:

EVERYTHING IS EXACTLY AS IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE! 

These colors don’t run

Drop your cocks and grab your socks, soldier, its time for some straight talk about the good ole U.S. of A! Today we honor all of you maggots who sacrificed and died for the glorification of war and domination of the world by the powerful elite. Let us pray:

God, bless America’s invasion of sovereign nations so they may experience our imposed democracy and conditional freedoms. Dear lord, support our troops who bomb and kill for our right to speak freely and pursue torture, amen.

What is your major malfunction you insurgent, rebel bastard? Stand up and be a proud goddamned patriotic american and support this necessary and justifiable war against offensive and unprofitable peace. Now drop and give me plenty!