Taint Talk Podcast, episode #9

SH “Welcome to Taint Talk, I am your host Slap Happy. If you’re a virgin viewer, this podcast is dedicated to frank discussions of sex by people who make a living in the sex trade; everybody from hookers, porn stars, adult film producers, fluffers and ass bleachers. Today we are talking to a rising shaft in the adult film industry, King Kielbasa. Welcome to the podcast, King.”

KK “Thank you Slap, happy to be here.”

SH “So King, how did you get into the porn business?”

KK “Well, that’s kind of a long twisted story, Slap. I was never much of a ‘pooner’ when I was a young man; I spent most of my time doing stupid stunts with my friends which led to an audition for this new stunt show on MTV called JACKASS.”

SH “Yeah, that was great shit. How fun was it to shoot?”

KK “Actually, it was a bitch. We had to have a full time medical staff on set because all of us were seriously hurt at times and we were always recovering from injuries. You may remember the episode where I got a sledgehammer swung into my groin? After that I developed some scar tissue in my penis which became a fibrosis known as Peyronie’s Disease. My dick would bend sideways if I got a hard on and it was painful as a motherfucker to have sex or even masturbate.”

SH “Oh man, that fucking sucks! What did you do?”

KK “Well, the most effective treatment are injections of Xiaflex which cost $3,300 each, the full course of eight runs about 26 grand. Of course I didn’t have it so I tried various sham pills and creams. I even tried one of those Penis Pumps. Goddammit, I couldn’t touch my prick for a week after that vacuum from hell. Finally, I got so desperate I ordered some of that Plexaderm skin tightener cream for wrinkles and bags you see on late night TV commercials. I figured if I put it on my sausage it would straighten out when I got an erection.”

SH “That sounds crazy enough to work. Did it?”

KK “No Slap, but you knew that. You don’t need to fluff me for your audience. At first the stinging and burning was excruciating, but eventually it went numb to the point I could lather the member up. When I woke the next day, I popped a XXX tape into the VCR to see what would happen. Lo and Behold, as I was watching two chicks scissoring, I felt the rush of blood to the groin and saw my meat swell into a fucking CORKSCREW!”

SH “Wow, you can literally screw with that thing, can’t you?”

KK “It takes a certain type of girl to handle the twirl. I prefer the skinny whores known as ‘spinners’. Man, do they get off on the Corkscrew Cock of Chattanookie County!”

SH “So how’d you get into the movies?”

KK “One of my lady friends told me about a director who was looking for an actor with my ‘talents’. He was directing a porn remake of the oenophile movie Sideways. The film made a lot of money so here I am a year later with a promising career of banging to look forward to.”

SH “So what’s the next project for King Kielbasa and the Corkscrew Cock?”

KK “Slap, its a movie called Fidget Spinners and it comes out in October.”

SH “Alright King, we can’t wait. Thanks for being here. That’s all the time we have for today’s Taint Talk. Join us next time when we present a performance of the KAMA SUTRA by former members of the Cirque du Soleil from their x-rated Vegas show — Orgasm. Good night and good sex.”

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Era Vulgaris

The Fun Machine took a shit and died — Queens of the Stone Age precognized

President Vulgarian of the Reality Show Administration ({}) POTUS P.O.S. ({}) Fucking Moron, Till Rex sec states ({}) simian dominance posturing ({}) crowd size matters ({}) twitter tantrum tsunami ({}) Pulitzer prize winning FAKE NEWS MEDIA like the FAILING New York Times ({}) DEEP STATE of whistle blowing patriotic saboteurs ({}) Recuse you, General Beauregardless immigrant gnome ({}) haunting nightmare of the Mueller apparition ({}) Dump the Chump obstruction impeach relief laxative ({}) Russian Hookers, Golden Showers & the Mooch ({}) Covfefe

Make America Great Again, Rinse, Repeat [$] One man show on the world stage starring Crooked Little Lyin Stormy Rocket Man [$] counter feit obama birther tificate [$] Pep rally sheeple chants: Drain the Swamp. Build the Wall. Lock her Up. [$] white supremacist tiki torch parade car manslaughter tragedy on BOTH SIDES [$] Trade Wars, Zero Tolerance Policy, Tender Age Shelters, OMG [$] The clear cut case of Environmental Chick fil Agency Chief Pruitt B Corrupt [$] No illusion of Collusion [$] Porn Star Witch Hunt [$] Shithole Countries, You’re Fired! [$] #MAGA

Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest- and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, its not your fault (Believe me) They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists, and some, I assume, are good people (Believe me) I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her (Believe me) Grab them by the pussy (Believe me) I have the best words (Believe me) @realDonaldTrump

Cherry Picking the Family Tree

[Fade in to a genetically ambiguous gentleman with a vacant stare holding a multi colored cube]

“Friends, are you racially confused, looking to alleviate your white privilege guilt or confirm your repressed xenophobia? Go to FindMyTribe.com and order the most accurate and complete genetic ancestry home test kit on the market.”

[Cut to a clear tongue depressor with an ice cream scoop at one end]

“Just a quick swab of any orifice with our patented sampler and return in the sterile envelope. Within 5-7 business days receive a scientific looking report with pie charts and a notarized certificate of authenticity. But wait, you also get online access to our comprehensive terrestrial genome database and for a nominal membership fee your chromosomal sequence will be compared to our proprietary intergalactic samples. Listen to these sincerely produced testimonials…”

[Cut to a silly man in child’s clothes]

“Thanks to FindMyTribe I had to exchange my lederhosen for a kilt when I learned I am Scottish instead of German.”

[Cut to a white supremacist in drag]

“Because of My Tribe I resigned as Grandmaster of the KKK and turned in my hood and cape for the headdress and ceremonial dancing skirt of a Zulu princess.”

[Cut to a stiff in a business suit]

“I found out I am 4.8% Neanderthal so [Cut] I quit my corporate job and now wear animal skins and carry a club.”

[Cut to an androgynous being wearing a Ziggy Stardust costume]

“My mom was abducted and impregnated by an alien from Sirius. Daddy, I’m building a ship to come home to you on Dog Star. Howhooooooo!”

[Cut to website logo with mechanical voice over]

“Supplies are artificially limited so drop the remote and call this number now!”

My Bumper Sticker

[Time travel back to 2002 when I lived in Seattle and the Bush administration had hijacked the free world for the benefit of their military industrialist overlords.]  I found a website where I created a bumper sticker for my 4wd Pathfinder which read:

aliens ate my GOVERNMENT!

Over the years I received occasional compliments from fellow drivers but it wasn’t until I moved to ultra-liberal Eugene, Oregon that I experienced the most outspoken support.

One day I was turning into my favorite eatery, Burrito Boy, when I noticed a beat-up volkswagon following closely behind. As I entered the restaurant, a disheveled, old hippie rushed out of his van to catch up with me. He wanted to tell me face to face how strongly he agreed with the idea that Bush and Cheney were “meat puppets for an alien plot to extract human bio-essence.”

In 2009 I was living in conservative Grand Junction, Colorado when Obama became POTUS. Ironically, my faded and weathered sticker began to illicit honks and waves from tea party types.

In hindsight, I am thankful my wife convinced me not to display my favorite bumper sticker from the 2004 campaign:

Lick Bush / Beat Dick

Double Naught Legacy

1. A new millennium of human history began with a Y2K hysteria party.
2. The malignant Bush cabal executed the ultimate superpower grab.
3. The 9/11 horror conspiracy shocked a nation into surrendering its illusory freedoms.
4. Fear and lies were used to justify profitable, pre-emptive, perpetual warmongering.
5. The Hurricane Katrina disaster exposed the government’s reluctance to aid the poor and unfortunate.
6. The collapse of the mega-finance ponzi scheme revealed the goverment’s priority for protecting greedy corporate criminals.
7. The overheated global warming debate raged on while global industrialization heedlessly drained the world’s petroleum resources.
8. A country desparate for change responded to a message of hope and overwhelmingly elected a half black president.

Selections from Lewd’s Inverted Abbreviated Dictionary

necrosis liquefactive cavity pus infection Abscess

Cross-Reference: blowhard grating fathead pundit television republican pompous Hannity Sean

 

feces expulsion pleasure infantile traits personality AnalExpulsive

Cross-Reference: provocateur shrill harpy television author partisan Coulter Ann

 

omnipotence power wealth fantasies delusional obsession grandiose psychopathological Megalomania

Cross-Reference: master puppet hiding bunker secretive President Vice paranoid Cheney Dick

 

disturbances intellectual behavioral emotional accompanied hallucinations delusions thinking illogical reality withdrawal disorders psychotic Schizophrenia

Cross-Reference: warmonger fanatical father approval seeking President America States Divided 43rd Bush W. George

UNIFICATION THEORY

CDT PTSD — Continental Divide Trail Post Traumatic Stress Diary

Dermagraphology — History of the art that is fit to ink on skin

Dulcet Tomes — The Soft Underbelly

Enigmatic Corporatic — Reworked content from THE CORPORATION at large

Hip Histrionics — Riffs on Pop Culture

Insipid Manifestos — Ode to the Lobe

Maudlin Missives & Mellow Musings

Mental Laxatives — Brain Drano

My Narcissisms — Its all about ME, MY, MINE!

Rancid Recollections — The stories of my life

Snark File — Rated H.T.O.C. (High Tolerance for Offensive Content)

Trail Tales — The Long Strange Trip

Trivial Lists — …and a 1 and a 2 and a 3…

Uncatagorized, Declassified, Substandardized

Zealous Illucidations — Supernatural Ding Dong

a day in the life

Today was a pivotal day in the life of mild-mannered R.A.G.

The morning began with an emotional counseling session with his long suffering partner so she could verbally tear his head off and vent her frustration and resentment.

Next, he had his dreams shattered when he received notice via email that he was not selected as a candidate for his ideal job as coordinator of the outdoor program at the local college. With a masters degree, years of search and rescue experience and a life-long passion for outdoor recreation; he was confident he would be considered a qualified candidate. The man was absolutely shocked to the core of his being when he was not granted an interview for the position.

The reality hit him like a cold face slap — his best option now was to compete with the drooling stoolies for the shit jobs making subs or delivering pizzas to the overfed masses.

Meanwhile, his alter egos were hard at work.

Spurred by the current gold & silver prices; the recently promoted Rear Admiral Coinstar was called to duty to convert some precious metal assets.

In the evening, Senator Crushcan made his usual grid search of the local schools and parks collecting aluminum cans from the high density of trash receptacles. He cruised the streets and parking lots on his bicycle slowly so he could maintain a high P.O.D.– Probability of Detection. [Techniques he learned as a member of Eugene Mountain Rescue of Oregon.]

While making his rounds, he was approached by a friendly park patron who gave him several empty cans saying, “Here, I’d rather see these get recycled.” Another group of men began chugging their beers so the senator could crush as many cans as possible.

On the way home he noticed his back tire was going flat.

later bowl tea roast adjustment atitude positive stress relief temporary cake mix batter confidence harden chaotic resolve film watch Naked Lunch absorb Burroughs Word Virus reader

flogged a blog into the night, sweet sleep.

What is my religion?

First, lets set aside the discussion of religion vs spirituality. In my youth, my father tried desperately to indoctrinate me into the Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (a mormon offshoot).

My pubescent rebelliousness led me to flirt with the whole spectrum of ‘isms’ from theism to atheism to agnosticism. As I matured, I made forays into mono-, poly-, and pantheism with brief stops at the secular philosophies of Rationalism, Humanism, and Naturalism. For several years I have bounced my personal cosmography between Hedonism and Buddhism.

In my early 20’s I was introduced to the mind altering world of psychedelic drugs and the writings of Carlos Casteneda (which turned my soul searching on its head, so to speak). Today I consider myself a practicing “Inner Space Neuro Alchemist”. I also believe multi-dimensional beings are fighting for control of the human race via our cosmic energy.

My world view is currently influenced by the certainty that the apocalypse is imminent and the mayan calendar predicts the date of either mankind’s catastrophic spiritual awakening or a cataclysmic pole shift.

When I boil it all down, I come to this inevitable conclusion: Don’t worry, Be happy!

The Paradoxical Philosophy of a Deranged Mind

Study for eight years to earn three university degrees and then spend the rest of your life working for a $13,000 annual salary.

Don’t buy a house or have kids; be a selfish, self-centered prick and leave your wife for months at a time.

When the government sends you a rebate check, spend it on tattoos and marijuana.

Put money into a retirement account and then die prematurely due to your risky behavior.

When economic times are tough, quit your job and move to a new state.

Spend your days picking up loose change and aluminum cans off the street then blow $50 for gasoline to drive up into the mountains for some mediocre outdoor recreation.

Ignore your conscience and the urging of your friends to become a writer and wallow in your unemployed self-loathing while spewing out your juvenile diatribes on to the world wide web.

Delude yourself into believing this creative refuse is cathartic drano for a constipated brain.